This is what the mania part of living with a bipolar condition is like.
For me, the bottom panel is when I experience a crash and the depression can be severe if I haven’t carefully applied my coping tactics. If you’ve been volunteering with me in any capacity over the years you’ve probably noticed how I’ve adapted through trial and error as I learn to live with my condition on its own terms after 20 years of self-medicating to disastrous results.
Today I have a set of behaviors that keep me relatively stable, though I still have cycles that impact my quality of life. I have to decline opportunities that could carry me away and I have to let go of things I love when the pain of holding on to them becomes greater than I can endure. I don’t talk about it much but sometimes I even think about just giving up, and those are dangerous moments for me because openly sharing my pain results in emotional exchanges that hurt even more.
People like me experience high rates of addiction and suicide and the economic insecurity seems to amplify everything so every day I get to be healthy is another day I am grateful for. Recently I was accused of being “privileged” because I can spend all my time volunteering while everyone else goes to work. I suppose there is an element of freedom in that, but it is not carefree. I carry a heavy burden both in volunteer responsibility and the effort it takes to stay “healthy” (meaning, not in crisis).
I don’t need sympathy or gratitude or encouragement right now, though I’m not in a place where they would hurt either. I just wanted to share. ❤
